冬至·快乐

从小到大冬至前一天我们一家大小一起搓汤圆。
我都从头帮忙你到最后煮汤圆，每一个过程都我们两双手没停过。
今年第二年了没有你在，一想起就不能停止的陷下去。

妈妈，
我好久没有跟你讲话。好久没有听到你唠叨。
我毕业了你知道吗？
我已经找到工作，已经上班了。
我已经真真正正的踏入社会了。

今天上班很忙。一直心不在焉。
突然觉得力不从心。突然觉得自己好像没价值。
毫无原因的。
管不了那么多，继续埋头。
如果你还在，我一定会打电话给你撒娇。希望你会鼓励我。
虽然我知道你会讲什么，可是还是想从你嘴里听到。

听见同事提起明天是冬至。心马上沉下去。
很多我们之间的回忆涌上心头。
受不了。
第一次在公司哭。第一次。
从厕所出来朋友问我为什么眼睛肿。”我很爱睡”
不骗，确实也是打瞌睡。

你就像是心里不能痊愈的伤口。那种痛挥之不去。
没有见到你最后一面的那种后悔感重来没有减少或消失。
自责。
为什么那么信心满满你不会离开我们。
如果我更珍惜的话。更珍惜有你在的日子。

做工真的好累。很无奈。很无助。
一个人在外闯荡真的很无助。
如果你还在就好。
骂骂我为什么不打电话回家。为什么不按时吃饭按时睡觉。
为什么一直出去玩。为什么放假不回家。
以前听到的时候已经觉得很温暖。
现在听不到觉得很心疼。

我很依赖你。精神上。
每次觉得很无助的时候就打电话给你。听你唠叨一下就觉得很好玩。
”做么我妈咪这样好笑”！

真的，很想你。
很希望你原谅我在你人生最后一刻缺席。没有及时告诉你我爱你。
如果有下一世，我希望可以当你妈妈。
反过来。
给我机会疼爱你。

冬至快乐，妈妈。
我想你。
:)

Aries 18/04/2016

今天滑脸书然后发现了这个。
我是白羊座，很典型的那种。可是我不是很赞同这个Statement。

我很爱哭，很容易哭。可是多数是看电影、连续剧的时候。
也很爱发牢骚，发泄所有。

可是我们确实不会让你知道，我们何时的哭泣，才是宣泄的哭泣，崩溃的哭泣。
当我们真的需要用眼泪来发泄时、用眼泪来释放我们的负能量、当我们累得再也压抑不了了，你永远不会知道。因为那种时候，都是当我们一个人，在自己的角落，自己一个人的时候才会表现出来。

所以，就算我们在你面前哭了，你永远也不会知道真正的原因。
我们发牢骚了，你也不会知道真正的苦衷。
我们其实就算需要有人听听我们说话，虽然我们不会告诉你实话。
一，怕你担心；
二，怕你 误会。

我每次都很怀疑我自己，当我真的压抑不了了，受不了了，我会不会把所以一切说出来，好让自己舒服一些，好让别人了解我的心情。
想了很久，
不会。
我怎样都不想把自己最脆弱的一面表现出来。很自私的希望别人会自己发现，可是却又很害怕让别人发现。

白羊就是个矛盾的个体。（或者是我这只而已？）
我爱笑爱哭爱玩爱闹。可是我却不乱玩。
我直接我放肆，可是却又同时的敏感软弱。
就是矛盾。

有人说过我其实不算女汉子，因为我很爱发牢骚，看戏又爱哭。
这我承认。确实。
可是就像我刚才说的，你不懂我没人在身边时的坚强，同时背后的脆弱。
你看到的是我想让你看到的我，不想让你看到的我埋藏的很好。 :)

Hello to myself

Do you recognize yourself?

The people showing in front of your mirror. 

Do you know yourself, currently. 

Everyone have that stage where you feel "YOU" are gone, not yourself living your life anymore. 

You feel that you cant control your life, too much for you too bear. 

We all eager to be an adult when we are small, 

and now when we grow older, we wish for time to just like "hold on a second, don't run so fast". 

Maybe that is why the invention of camera, to capture every precious moment we have, so that even the time past so fast, we still can peek on our past. 

Why now we don't want to be adult anymore?

too much responsibilities, too much stress, too much of everything...

We wish for freedom when we are still a kid, and we thought that being an adult can grant us with that.

But no.

We get the freedom we want when we are kids, but there are more locks and chains on us.

Much more restriction. 

I am now in the middle between teenage and working life?

I can feel the stress coming near. 

Lost? Not yet. But I am kinda preparing myself that I will be lost at the beginning of my working life. Not sure the path I am heading is right or wrong.

Preparation. 

Everyone need to prepare themselves for the best and most importantly, for the worst. 

The time when I felt that I am at my worst stage, I will told myself, "it's a curve, it will bounce back upward".

And, there are no worst, there are people having life that are worse than your worst.

Don't give up yourself. 

Push yourself to work hard now, suffer now, to guarantee a good life in the future. 

You may be slower than others, and you may need to work harder than others.

But there are not a fault. 

Intelligence are not the main factor of success.

You have the plan, but if you didn't work it out, the plan will be just a dream. 

Keep going till the end is the key. 

I know the hardest part is not failure, is when you try to stand up after you fall. 

There will be people who look down on you, tease you, or wanted to push you down.

Just keep trying, keep moving on. 

Why focus on those rubbish when you have bunch of families and friends who are supporting you. 

They do not give up on you, so you can't give up yourself. 

They know you can make it till the end, they are just waiting for you to realize that. 

Wash your face, and get up!

Stand in front of the mirror,

and shine a bright smile, "hello."

Be the one you want others to see.

*I hope you will get this and you know that we still waiting for you*

黑和白

原来，“先、后” 这个次序蛮重要的。

才发现，只要你先把事实扭曲了，再发表出去，你就可以制造正面形象。

只要你不让另一方发现你扭曲了事实，拖一段时间，把你的“故事”宣传出去，几乎没有人会怀疑你。几乎。

等到另一方发现了你的谎言，他会愤怒，然后拼命找机会解释。

找证据？

如果只是两人之间的口头争执，怎么会有证据？

很多人都会说：没关系，时间会证明一切。

或者说：没关系，我们相信你不是这种人。

可是有多少人做得到？真正的相信你？或者明白你的用心？

翻回历史，很多事情都是存有争议的。

事情也许不是你想象的那样。

表面上看，他的决定听起来不怎么对。

可是也许他的出发点是好的？

又或者，他当初做的不是这样的决定，只是传达讯息的过程中，他的意思被后人扭曲了？

如果这种事情发生了，就当自己倒霉罢了。

对方都已经把自己改版的故事比你先一步“发扬”出去了。

你再怎么解释自己的用心都会被大家当做是借口。

解释就是掩饰，听过吗？

这种时候，有谁会真的相信你？

如果对方平时就带着好好先生面具 ，在这种时候要别人站在你那边就更难了。

想了想，

是不是这些原因，造成了现在的人都喜欢“恶人先告状”？

先发制人？

有什么比利器更伤人？

就是人的嘴巴。

他的伤害是无形的。

就算你受伤了，也不会流血。

这些伤口，有时时间也不能把它治好。

I Thought.

Flash back to my previous years, I suddenly realize one thing.

I am always a skinny girl when I am still a kid. Yes, super skinny.
But now I am a chubby girl. Yup, I won't deny it. x)
(guys, I am avoiding the 'fat' word here)
I guess no one expected that I will turn meaty, like what I am now when I am still that skinny girl.
I thought I will be forever a skinny girl that time.

When I am still primary and secondary teen, I have a very... SPECIAL a-k-a OUTSTANDING look.
Chubby, bird nest hair, 'dai ga jie' pattern, and I wear whatever is on the top on my wardrobe.
So basically those Tee and shorts I wear them again and again.
Wear, wash, wear, wash, wear again and wash again,
It's become my icon.

Not to mention my hair! x)
It's can fit one bird family to stay inside. Warm and safe.
My hair is curly, short and it's middle separated.
Until secondary Form 3, I still didn't need a comb  to set my hair.
Let it dry itself, and form a comb with my finger, comb it upwards.
Exactly the same like how guys set their hair.

I can't found any old photo of me because I'm still in KL.
Here is an old photo of mine, posted by my teacher in secondary school.
Please... have some, preparation...

x) THIS IS ME

If not mistaken, this is when I was form 3. 

OMGAWDDDD 

Here a meme create by my friend, credit to that bitch. haha

Well the old me, I never thought that I will have long hair, like now. 

I thought I will have that bird nest hair forever. NO LIE.

When in primary, I was very proud with my 'chio' hairstyle. 

I was very proud that I didn't have to use comb and carry it 24/7 like other girls did. 

I thought that, when I grow older, I won't apply any cosmetics on my face. 

When every secondary girls gather together, topics is all around those.

But now, although I am not very expert about it, I started to make up. 

I only know how to do light make up. I don't know how to do extra than that. LOL

Ya make up boost my self confidence. 

I feel awesome after I see myself in the mirror and look better. =D

x)

And ya!

The radio station's program that I participated (mention in the previous post!),

it's actually kinda awkward when I sent my video and then suddenly I won, suddenly I get to interview by the DJ. 

I never thought that I will have the guts. I thought I won't do such silly thing, ever.

I thought, I never will. 

During my diploma, I participated in a singing competition.

I thought in my diploma, I will just be a invisible student, college girl.

Never show myself in any event organized in college.

Then, one day I pass by foyer and saw this competition, I asked myself: WHY NOT?

I don't want my college life to be plain. It just take couple of weeks to do this, right? 

And then I fill in the form, and boom!

I get a chance to record in a studio room. Cool.

And I get 2nd runner up. Even my dad show up at the finale! =D

There's many other tiny things I experienced.

It may sounds super ordinary for guys out there that experienced things way more interesting than mine. 

But that's not the point. xP

So what I want to say,

I am 21 this year, now.

Many transformation and experience happen without you aware about it, or it happen hyper sudden and you can't even stop and realize it is actually changing you or highlighting your life. 

Or you felt it is bothering you, annoy you, and you wonder why don't it end faster. 

Actually, it happen fast enough.

EG: you broke your leg and you stay in the hospital for one month.

A simple math, compare 1 month / 21years x 12months

It's super short. 

Hey, at least you have the experience of broken legs and I don't. x)

CONCLUSION! 

I realize that, what you thought at first, for things in the future, didn't mean that it will happen that way.

Life is all about experiencing and transforming.

You might think that, you are failing now, you will fail in the future too. 

Or, 

You are the top student now in college, and you think that you will do well in the future.

But can you confirm?

I always try to avoid saying thing such as: I CONFIRM! I WON'T DO IT IN THE FUTURE./ I CONFIRM I WILL BLA BLA BLA... 

Because I know there are too much uncertainty. I might change my mind in the future. 

What I can say is: I didn't like it for now. / I can't do it, for now. etc 

PEEPS! 

Don't give up now. Don't give up future.

Although sometimes you get frustrated! 

Promise yourself you will do your best and that's enough.

Grab any chances to increase your self-value.

Grab any chances to prove yourself valued.

Things turns better from time to time. I PROMISE. =)

At the moment you say: I THOUGHT I CAN'T MAKE IT..... BUT WOW! 

Miracles happened! xD

xoxo

Frust....

Sometimes I just hope that human can read through people's mind.
Why? I hope those INCONSIDERATE person, can read whats in others mind, because they can't understand facial expression. =/

And you just continue doing things that you think is rational, considerate, or funny.
Can't you see there is no responses? NO!
So is it funny? NO!
So can you just realize and stop your stupid jokes? Sadly, you didn't.

And perhaps you didn't notice that you funny JOKES annoyed me. Or maybe others.
To be honest no one know it is a joke.
Why? Because you take the problem facing by others or what they feel ashamed of, as a joke!
Do you think it is funny?
After you be scolded and everyone annoyed, then you make a U-turn claims that: Hey! I'm just joking. Why so serious?

Ya? You did that right?
So, here is just some advice.
Don't ever make jokes on others wounds.
How will you feel,
when you just broke up with you girlfriend and others make jokes on that.
Just an example.

You just destroyed your world. :)

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HEY!
After setting bombs, as you can see above,
lets do some reports LOL

So here I am, back to KL.
Year 3 Sem 1.
Once I notice that I am already in Year3,
feel proud and worry at the same time.
The higher you climb, more challenges awaiting.
Not really a cool stuff.

Recently I joined a program on MyFm.
It's actually quite stupid haha!
I am enjoying my sem break at my hometown, and maybe I am too bored...
Ya so I just participate it.

Yes you might say me stupid, sohai, tak malu, muka tembok, 'do you need a mirror', etc etc.
Here some words from me: Hey, it's my life and I choose what to do with it, bitch. :)
Only I can comment myself stupid. x)

It's just a program. And ya god bless, luck with me, I win the program.
I get the chance to be interviewed by Jym, a Dj in MyFm.
A very cool experience hehe. Although I sounds awkward in the interview.
Anyway, I gain what you didn't have.
I can say that I really have guts x)
So when you are laughing at me, DO YOU HAVE THAT GUTS?
No?
I feel sorry for you.

Hey this is the video I sent to participate the program. Check it out!




So I just stop here and.. ya, wish me luck for everything. =)

Miss me?

#imback

Ha! It's been a long time here. 

So much to share, but it's gonna be long. 

Perhaps I should just summarize up. 

It's been some time since my great lost. 

I can't say that I overcome it, but I can handle it. 

What's different is 

I lost one of the people who love me,

there's no one will nag like she do, 

there's no one will complain why I didn't call her ( and this is what I cant do now ) 

no one like her that can understand me

no one to share a special memory 

no one that prepare my favorite dishes for me when I back home

no one to share gossips with me (ya we always do that) 

There's too much I lost. But not the memorize and love you gave me. 

I wish to get more, but what's inside my heart will never gone, never be forgotten. 

:) 

#iloveyou

Haaaaaa.. Let's stop the story, it's kinda pain here inside 

Recently so much of stories and drama happened. 

It make me realize that people come and go. 

They will be the one that give you memorize, good or bad

But they might not be the one who stay. 

Yes, you should accept it. 

You can't make people stay, unless they willing to. 

And sad to say that, sometimes even they are willing to stay, they can't. 

Like what I experienced. 

I suggest that we should pay more effort to the people, 

that didn't leave you, that is around you. 

It's like the theory for investment, you should invest on someone who is worth for. 

You invest on something that will not give you any return, 

what you will get at the end is just broken heart and tears. 

The return I mean here is the "heart". 

Not that asking you to leave the people who will die at the end or whatever ending that is out of our control. 

Some people approach you with bad intention. 

Or there's bad intention after you both get close. 

People change right? 

They do not give you their heart, but they eat up yours. 

Open your eyes and brain before you show your heart to them. 

Ya you might say that sometimes heart blinds us. 

But why you choose not the leave after you realize that they are monster? 

It's stupid right? 

Some different cases is that the people try to open others heart. 

Yes you can try. And by that you need to show them your sincere heart first. 

It's ok to do that, because they do not have bad intention on you just that they choose not to show you the world inside them. 

But be wise ok? Don't let them hurt you too deep. 

Hey! I haven't share with you my recent life! 

It's so sad to say it's another tiring semester. 

However it's only a short semester. 

Life recently is good. The bond between classmates seems improving. 

I have grown up. Friends around me grown up. 

So this prove that life is about keep on improving right? Hah! 

And seriously I'm turning 21, very soon! Yayyyy! 

Let's scream and shout. 

I'm still thinking and planning how should I welcome this big day? 

The celebration should be special and memorable right? 

Let me stimulate my brain cells for that. 

I will try my best! Stay tune!