Misunderstand

Do you ever misunderstand yourself?

Yes, misunderstand yourself. 

The situation that you realize that what you chase for, is not what you really want.

ya, you thought you want it, but actually you are not.

This miserable ending is hurtful. 

You are like, put in all your effort and heart, chase for the stars, but at the end you realize that you actually afraid of the dark and the sun is what you want more.

Right? Is the situation sounds familiar?

It is kinda like the love-in-first-sight.

The thing looks fancy and attractive for the first time you saw it.

You just can't take it out from your mind, you get insomnia for thinking about it the whole night.

Even at the day time, you still thinking about it.

You just chase the thing blindly. 

You don't even understand what is it that attracting you.

What is so special about it.

What is it mean to you.

What is the value to you.

What is it that make you love it. Or maybe, you just like it but not really love it.

Do you understand the difference between like and love?

Make it simple, "you like the guy" and "you love the guy".

Like, it might just you have a positive feeling towards him. He just didn't annoyed you. You both have topics to chat with each other. 

Love, it is way more serious. You want to take care of him. Anything you will rank him as priority.

You want him to be by your side. You want to protect him. When you planning your future, he is included because you want him not only for now but forever.

See the differences?

Yes, from the "Like" stage, you might have chance to proceed to the next "Love" stage.

However, before you love him, do you understand him well enough? 

His like and dislike? 

Character? 

Dream and aim of life? 

Favorite? 

Thought? 

His everything... At least 95%? or 90%?

I mean, how can you fall in love to someone, before you even knowing him well.

You might just misunderstand that you love him because of him hot looking, perhaps?

Or just because you both have so many common topics to chat non-stop.

He is being gentleman to you?

He is popular guy in your college? So you just follow the trend...

Don't be silly. 

If this misunderstanding of like and love happens in primary school or secondary school....

Yup I can assume that you are still immature, and that is puppy love.

Create sweet and funny memories to store in your brain and make it become a joke in the future.

But in college or university? N-O-, no!

You are not baby anymore!

You should have the ability to differentiate what you really want!

Don't be stupid until you chase the guy for 3 years and finally, YEAH! happy ending!

But at the end, you just have an OS like: Oh fuck up! He is not my Mr. Right. Shit!

So then you say never mind, forget about all the hard work you done for 3 years to get his attention, get to be friend, you confess, and couple up, but how to break up with him?!

What should I say it? How should I say it? Where should I say it?

No I won't give you any comment or suggestion.

I will buy popcorn and drinks, sit aside, and watch my movie.

3D effect without the glasses needed and perfect sound system. 

Hey don't blame me ya, don't forget that you are the director of this horror and miserable movie.

I just want to say that, don't be the stupid one to waste all your effort and chase for what you not needed or wanted.

Take you steps after you make sure you chase for what you should chase for.

Think seriously before you make your move. 

What is meant to be yours will be yours. What is not, then even you get it, it won't stay.

CRACKED

No one like cracked things.

What if a glass cracked? It useful no more.

Bowl, container, mug... etc

Human being can crack too.

Too much stress surrounded you, you have no idea how to settle those, you have no one can help, you have no where to hide...

Then you cracked. Soul seems like flew away through those cracks. 

You live like a walking zombie. Live a colorless and tasteless life.

Take myself as example, once I leave home, come out to study, it's really stressful.

Maybe it still haven't be obvious when studying in Penang. 

But now in KL, I really can feel it now. 

There's a lot of things you need to worry about.

I start to miss the time once I finished my school, I can straight away went home. 

The smell of mom-cooked meal, the smell of home. 

It all isn't a matter before, but it does now.

Appreciate everything you own. Noted!

#Little update on my recent life, 
what more I can say... It's so damn STRESSFUL!
Only 2nd semester but I already can feel that I not really can handle well. :(
I start to worry that can I manage to finish my degree and graduate. *sigh*

But I believe that cracked things can actually show you things inside, through the cracks.

You know the chinese herb eggs? (I don't know what it call in english lol, 茶叶蛋)  

Those eggs need to be cracked a little on the eggshell so that the eggs can have the taste of those herbs. 

The longer the time, the better the taste of the eggs. 

Maybe, we need to have some cracks so that we will learn better things? 

Absorb and learn the new things around us. Adopt the new environment around us.

Through cracks, we can show what inside us. Show our potential. 

Peek through the cracks, what potential do you have? How strong are you? 

Treasures often been cover by the not-so-good-looking boxes. 

A crack can let you to take a look on the inside. It might surprise you with those treasure worth thousands and millions. 

With cracks, it shows that you lived. You are not a safe player. 

You take risk, you don't afraid of falling, and you are now still doing well after those falls.

higher risk, higher return right? Who knows you found your own treasure inside yourself after you cracked. Human potential is their own priceless treasure. 

You might hate your life now, but don't afraid of it. 

Life is never easy. Just fight with it. 

You cracked, you learnt.  :)

Life.In.KL. 1

Okay. The tiring and annoying first semester of my degree ended.
What I went through?
Arrgghhhhh... Tons of stories to tell.
Anyway, these stories need to be tell face to face.

Studying with a new group of classmates is actually challenging, but in a fun way.
Knowing more people, playing together.
And there a bunch of friends get along with us well!
This make me really happy.
But then I found out one problem of myself is that, I sometimes will just simply throw out some vulgar words. HaaHaa..
Sorry ya new friends I will fix this probem ASAP.

After the first semester, around 4 months I guess, staying in a new environment, experiencing a new style of living.
I kinda like it, but I can't say that I cope with it well. I am like slightly slower than others.
Their movement is faster, make them always planning and take actions one step ahead.
This make me kinda stress. I am once a fast planner but I rotted myself, make me kinda slow now.
Procrastination. This is the illness I need to cure. Gonna overcome this problem!

And I need to end my love-hate relationship with those foods and cafe!
They make me look round like a ball!
But they are just too attractive :3
I can't resist coffee, the nice environment cafe, and the smell-so-good cakes.
Greatest invention ever! <3 nbsp="" p="">However, I cannot continue this suffering relationship.
I still need to wear nice clothes.
I need to maintain exercising in the coming semester, or else we really gonna break up!

Mention about coffee, recently there's a hit movie, Cafe waiting love.
MUST WATCH!
I didn't expect much from this movie before I watch.
But this movie! So much surprise, laughter, and also touching!
Please watch!
This is not simply a love story. It tell story in a different way.

Talk about love, nothing happen in my first semester. Not me, not even friends around.
Love won't blossom in a blink of eyes right? It take times.
Although there are too much tragedy I faced or saw previously, I still believe that true love does exist.
A friend told me, love is not a sweet candy. Love won't only bring you sweetness.
Love is a puzzle pieces that you need another person to fill up what you lack of, or what you bad in.
I am not in a rush, I just hope that the right one will come at the right time.

Next semester is coming after two weeks. Take this break to relax, recharge, and prepare myself.
Things will be ok.
New chapter of my degree life =) 

8/6/2014

This date, an ordinary days for everyone else, except for me.

This is a day where I get slapped hard on my face.
Yes, this is a day.

Maybe this seem like a small matter, but I just can't bear with it.
I feel like I just humiliated myself, shows my dumbness in front others.

I just feel like: How can I done that silly mistake? What am I actually doing this whole sem?

Previous post I mentioned how unlucky is my recent days.
Those are actually a sign before the storm.
Yes I know I didn't perform well this semester, yes I know my mistakes.
But today, I can't bear it anymore.
Those karma are too much. I can't bear it.
Collapsed in front of my friends, in front my teammate.
I am showing them how weak and incapable I am.

I need some times to recover. I really need it.
I need some times to forgive myself, and give myself strength to stand up again.

Recently I may spread too much of negative energy.
I apologize.
Let me shower myself in the storm. I will then stand in front of you with the refreshed me.

Overload with trash

I don't know why, didn't even know how,
recently I just feel that my life turns out to be kinda sucks and demotivating.
Com'on! I just told myself that:
Ellyssa, you need to take your degree life very serious and don't mess it up! you screwed nearly 10 weeks of your first semester, you need to be serious and focus now!

Okay, then happily I have raya holidays at hometown, relaxing and then!
Why I feel like my KL life start to be miserable!
Even small things, a small tiny little thing, couldn't go smoothly.

Nego, PSM.... Dafuqq! Are you kiddng me?!
Yes I knew that we did not done it well and nice, but how can it be so sucks?

PSM?! Hello, you told me that I did well when my " Search Inside  presentation right?
And then today you told me that I didn't do well actually.
Do you have your medicine already? Do you need a full body check?
You like giving me a sweets and then today you tell me that: nahhh... that sweets I just borrow you. You need to give me back.
I don't really hate you, but an you just don't try to challenge my heart?
Die because of heart attack is not in my list!

Overall, I think I can't perform well this semester.
I can't actually believe that I show such a "good" performance.
It is totally under my expectation. Believe that I can perform better.

Well, this semester is a sucks appetizer.
I hope whats coming will taste good.
And please, recently I need good lucks to help me to face those stress.
So, I hope that every bad things end tonight.
12am, the end.

Wish me luck! :)

不完美的完美，Perfect Imperfection

其实，我还不明白，什么是完美？

我知道人们对完美的定义。

可是我还是不明白。

因为我认为，人们对完美的定义是矛盾的 。

而我对：Perfect Imperfections， 这句话很赞同。

有些人事物，会因为他们的不完美而变得特别，

特别得让人窒息。

 - Nick Vujicic -

我相信很多人都认识他。

还记得第一次看他的影片，第一幕就拍了他的背影。

我心脏当场就感觉停止了三秒。

内心的恐惧让我很想闭上眼睛，可是好奇心让我逼自己继续看下去。

看了影片的一半，我很庆幸自己认识了这个人。

他的外在不完美，可是他拥有了完美的内心。

他完美的内心完整了他的“不完整”。

他拥有了强大的信念，扶起了看起来弱小的他。

其实，我不明白。

为什么我们常常只想拥有完美的外表。

其实想拥有完美的外表，很容易。

出笔钱，去韩国吧。

受点皮肉之苦，过后你可以很满意的站在镜子前。

可是，你拥有一颗可以装得下、配得起你“完美”外表的内心吗？

就算你拥有了受皮肉之苦的勇气，

你在别人眼里，就算是完美了吗？

外在，补不到内在的不完美，

内在，可以完美我们外在的不完美。

Nick Vujicic 就是一个很好的例子。

他做好自己，至少他做好自己认为应该为自己和为别人做的。

在很多人眼里，他完美了他自己。

可是有些人却认为他不完美。

我看过有些人因为Nick和自己的宗教信仰不同，认为他在传教，所以非常的讨厌他。

有些人认为，他影响力太大，害怕他会利用他的影响力做出危害他们的事情。

等等... 等等...

这些人群，证明了每个人测量“完美”的尺，是不同的。

也许测量单位不同，

也许长短不同，

也许他们是选择性的测量，

也许他们测量的物体不同，

也许他们测量的只需要的是外在条件。

We can't please everyone.

And we should not aim to please everyone. 

我们应该做好自己应该做好的事。

这些事是我们认为应该做的。

而什么事情是我们应该做的，我们自己必须成熟的去过滤和思考。

常常觉得，成熟的思想是完美自己内在的开始。

不要问我怎么变成熟。

每个人观念不同，而且我还在学习当中...

人类很贪心，我明白。

我也是贪心的。

一定很多人说：我想要内在和外在都完美啊！

我也是！

如果你有这个想法，如果你认为这是你应该去做的，那就去做啊！ 

我没有说我们只需要专注于完美我们自己的内心而忽略外在。

我认为把自己的外在打理好，对我自己的内心有帮助，那我就去做。

（我自己对自己的观念，不是每个人都这样，要自己明白自己）

简单的说，

我们应该把内在放在外在前面

因为如果你有一颗撑不起、配不上你外在的内心，

你外在的完美不会持久，它会过期。

只有内在的完美才是最好的防腐剂！

它让你的内在和外在保持至永远。

我明白，有时是不堪别人嘴里吐出来的话。

要说：不去听不去想，其实我知道很难。

不过我们必须忍，我们必须经常鼓励自己我们必须继续走下去。

坚持吧！

完美自己的内心，

让我们的内心完美我们的外在 的不完美！

Too much dreaming is one kind of drug

Okayyyy, let's talk about why people like to dream.

I enjoy dreaming too, sometimes. Not that often. I very enjoy to drown myself in the imaginary world that are perfect in everything. Life that goes my way perfectly without errors.

That's the point, people want to live in a perfect world. 

NO errors. 

I imagine that I am fucking rich, I have a hot boyfie, I have countless hot car.... etc etc xD

Yes, it is legal, trust me.

It is healthy too. Yes, trust me.

But, please, don't keep yourself sink in the imaginary world. 

Or hypnosis yourself that you can actually bring those stuff to the real world.

Yes, sure you wanna say that: it is my target, my aim... bla bla.

Okayyy full stop. I am not referring to stuff like ambition, target, or whatever that is logic and solid...

Some great invention, people, their inspiration come from their dream.

You can do that, but first, it must be logical and beneficial to people.

I mean, EVERY PEOPLE IN THIS WORLD!

Not only for you.

Some people like to dream stuff that is not logic and not bringing any benefits to others, and even themselves, from my opinion.

WTF they still think that their dream is beautiful, great, romantic...

Most common example is those girl who dream and hope for a idol-drama-alike love story and also rich like those male lead.

* close my eyes with both hands and sigh...

If you share this kind of 'dream' with others in a "lol, I am just joking around'. 

Yup, I am fine. Because I always done something like that always too. 

But damn girl, you like "holy god please make my prince charming appear with roses and money in his hands once I turn my head after I finish is prayer". YOU PRAY SINCERELY! omfg

Friends says that I am a girl who will open my eyes big and like "blink blink" that type when I saw a hot guy.

Of course they know that is just a awesome habit and hobby. *chuckles*

But relationships isn't that simple. 

When the hot guy walk away and leave my sight, then nothing happens and everything back to normal. 

Ya maybe I will still walk without touching the floor. That maybe last for an hour. Yup, that's crazy me. 

Maintaining a relationships isn't simple. Not every drama have happy ending.

You need to put efforts. Big or small, tiny or huge. 

Not as simple like you shitting on the toilet bowl after one week constipation. LOL

Yes, people always say me dry la, 'lao gu po', and many creative nickname more just to give a proper adjective on my 'dryness'. Anyway, thanks for paying attention and effort on me haha

But I know what type of man I am finding for. I mean, again, in a realistic way.

Man who will walk with you your journey and who you will consider in the future.

There are many aspect you need to consider. Not just his looking or the number in his saving account.

So wake up girl. You can emo, write emo status, emo from day and night.

I will too.

But don't move your dream into the reality world or drown in the fake world.

You will die.

You will start to spend more time in the fake world and get addicted like having drug.

Overdose in drug will let you die fast and you will be kicked out from this world, don't even think about having a prince charming and be a princess. Not even a chance.

Live your life well.

Okayyy I'm in KL. x)

Continue my degree here in KL. If I have a choice i wanna continue to stay in Penang... Maybe x)

I let go everything and every reason that cause me have the thought to stay Penang. 

A simple reason, get a new environment for a new stage of life, or prepare for a new stage of life.

Get myself a new life. Far away from home and learn to be more independent. Growth.

Ok, I explored some mall. Best score is 4 malls in 8 hours. hahahahahahaha x)

And, here I wish to declare that I am not pointing this to all male in KL.

I thought that KL guys will be more gentleman. 

But I think, I am wrong. They are not what I expected. LOL ( or those I met are not kl lang?  haha )

Again, not all guys in KL, just some I met, okay? 

Now is the time I wanna praise myself. I think I manage to get myself comfortable in here. =)

I sleep well on the first night in my hostel haha. 

Just transportation... I still need some time to use to it. xP

Eat well, sleep well, talk well, walk well... Everything is well I guess haha.

My friends that are not coming kl with me, I will miss you all so much, and I know you guys miss me hyper much too. <3 div="">

I WILL BE BACK, no worries. xD

咬了一半的红苹果

她不相信科学，
她只知道她手上的这颗苹果是一个缘分，
刚才因为主动和一位阿姨聊天，她给了她这颗红苹果。
陌生人给的苹果，应该不会那么戏剧化，是颗有毒的吧？，她那么想。
不过，这颗苹果确实是，有毒的。

回家的路上不寂寞，有颗苹果陪伴。
一路上，心里面在想，要把苹果给别人吗？
给谁？他，她，还是它？

打开家门，空无一人。
其他的室友，不算是人。没有一个人类 ，可以窝在狭小的一个空间里不接触外界和阳光。
至少她不可以，她会窒息。
可是她不明白外面的世界虽然精彩，可是也充满了无奈 。

闷，泡了杯咖啡。
没人陪她说话，她没办法分享今天发生的一切有趣的事情。

好闷，突然发现自己好像也不是人类了，
像船，
有风就走，没风就留；有人类在身边她就是人类，没有时好像就没有了生活。
船，唤不出风，它只能慢慢等，几时风吹起时才会带她一起走。

太闷，很闷，太无聊，
把苹果洗一洗，大大口的咬下去！

苹果是甜的，很脆。
她一向不喜欢的苹果原来那么好吃！
再咬一口，慢慢的享受着那种又香又甜的幸福。

突然，“乓”的一声，朋友回来了。
她发现了她的红苹果，
她很乐意的分享了。

她原以为她的朋友只会咬一口，
可是她朋友发现那颗苹果那么美味后，就继续啃咬，大步的往外走去。
她朋友走着走着，就越来越多其他朋友发现她手上的红苹果，
她也大方的让别人品尝。
原本的主人也只能默默的让她去，她认为朋友就是要一起分享幸福。
她不明白，有些幸福会溜走。
就这样分着分着，那颗红苹果就被吃完了。

所有人都认为那颗苹果是她朋友的，
她不想说什么，因为她不相信科学，她相信缘分。
也许她只是一道桥，那颗苹果不属于她，
也许是她朋友，也许是每一个尝过那颗苹果的人。
她不确定，她只确定她是吃最大分的那一个就足够了。
虽然最后不能拥有完整的缘分，可是至少曾经那颗苹果给了她幸福的半小时。

还是珍惜自己冲泡的缘分吧。
咖啡那份不加糖的苦涩，不是所有人可以接受，所以不是所有人会拥有。
就算把最美味的咖啡摆在他们面前，意识到第一口 会是苦涩的，他们潜意识会马上拒绝。
咖啡原本就是苦的，后来的糖和奶是人们自己加进去的，缓和咖啡的苦涩。
 就像生活一样，这个世界原本就是充满苦涩，自己在生活中加入不同的调味，中和生活的苦。
就看你愿不愿意，接受那份既甜又苦的生活，慢慢的品尝和享受。

她加入自己满意的糖和奶，适量，开始享受着那杯咖啡。
她接受着那份丝丝苦涩，觉得这杯咖啡在她手中很安全，因为那杯咖啡是她自己调味的，是自己的口味，是她自己的选择，是自己的生活。自己最满意的味道。

别人给予的苹果，还是自己冲泡的咖啡？
她选择咖啡。
自己一手包办，就算不小心调错味道了，也是自已担当。
苹果嘛，到处去外面逛逛，耐心等，
等到那颗完全属于自己的苹果出现。=）